Hello From Utah

Ironic that I am writing my "Pittsburgh" blog from Utah, but I am here for the summer and girl has things to say.

First things first:

Έχω μιλήσει με μια πολύ έξυπνη, αστείο, witty και ίδια ελληνική άνθρωπο. Κάνει μου χαμόγελο.

Hopefully that says, I have been talking to a very intelligent, funny, witty and handsome Greek man. He makes me smile.

This should be an interesting summer...

Somebody Good

So I realize that I left M.J. barely one month ago, but we've been in constant communication since I left. That was not the plan, but when do things ever go according to plan. I am grateful that we kept talking because it made the transition from Salt Lake to Pittsburgh so much easier. I will always be grateful to M.J. for that. However, I sent M.J. a letter yesterday stating that we cannot be in this "relationship" limbo anymore, he either needs to commit or else we cannot talk until I am over him. Long story short we are not talking right now.
I love M.J. and I am happy to know that us not talking right now does not mean that we are not friends and that we won't be talking in the future, I just need time and space to move on and work on me. Ironically my friend posted on her Facebook status this morning these words, " I've learned not to fear the passage of time. I trust it's power to teach, to heal, to cleanse and to build me into more than I was before. Time is always on my side." I felt an incredible sense of empowerment when I read that. It was exactly what I needed. I also need my music to help me heal. Music is a very large presence in my life. There are songs that I've been listening to that remind me of M.J. but these are also songs that I listen to, that I feel help me to stand firm in my decision. The following long post is all song titles and lyrics. They are beautiful.

The Professor
Lyrics by: Damien Rice

Well I don't know if I'm wrong cause she's only just gone
Here's another relationship bombed by excellent breed of gamete disease
I'm sure when I'm older I'll know what that means
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Here's to the man with his face in the mud
And an overcast play just taken away from the lover's in love at the center of stage

Loving is fine if you have plenty of time
For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind
Loving is good if your dick's made of wood and the dick left inside only half understood her
What makes her come and what makes her stay
What make the animal run, run away yeah
What makes him stall, what makes him stand and what shakes the elephant now
And what makes a man
I don't know I don't know I don't know
No I don't know you anymore
No, no, no, no...

I don't know if I'm wrong cause she's only just gone
Why the fuck is this day taking so long
I was a lover of time and once she was mine I was a lover indeed, I was covered in weed
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Well closer to God is the one who's in love
And I walk away cause I can
Too many options may kill a man

Loving is fine if it's not in your mind
But I've fucked it up now, too many times
Loving is good if it's not understood
Yeah but I'm the professor and feel that I should know
What makes her come and what makes her stay
What makes the animal run, run away and
What makes him tick apart from his prick and the lonelier side of the jealousy stick
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know, I don't know, I don't' know
No I don't know, I don't' know, I don't' know
Hell I don't' know you anymore
No, no, no, no...

Well I don't know if I'm wrong cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease
I finished it off with some French wine and cheese

La fille danse
Quand elle joue ave moi
Et je pense que je l'aime des fois
Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc
Quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots
Sur la petite dodo

Rat Within The Grain
Lyrics by: Damien Rice

This would not have happened if I hadn't missed my plane
I would've been there when they told you I'm the Rat within the grain
Within this big misunderstanding now and I'm being misunderstood
I'm thinking someone's trying to fuck with me and set fire to my wood

Chorus:

I wouldn't want you to want to be wanted by me I wouldn't want you to worry that you'd be drown within my sea. I only wanted to be wonderful and wonderful true. In truth I only really
wanted to be wanted by you.

It's a stupid situation now where everything goes wrong
If you can't tell if I am lying then you do not belong
In my bed go rest your head upon the bones of bigger man
He can cover you with rock wool and you can close up like a clam

-Chorus-

So go play with your piano and write a mediocre song
About the shell of mediocrity and pretend there's nothing wrong
I never thought you were a chicken shit I never thought of you at all
Until you asked me to be part of it and now you're showing me your wall

-Chorus-

La la la la.....

In truth I only really wanted to be wanted by you

Somebody Good
Lyrics by: The Swell Season

I'm walking away
I knew that I would
I want to be missed by somebody good
Don't wanna come back
Til I think that I should
To somebody good

I came here alone
To dig through the dirt
To find what was lost
To sift through the hurt
I wanna return
Do you think that I could
I want to belong to somebody good


I wanna return
I want to belong to somebody good


My sister Naomi said that I should change it from somebody good to somebody great to remind myself to never settle. Let me be clear I would never, ever consider being in a relationship with M.J. as settling. The gray area that I allowed us to remain in for so long was settling. M.J. was and is somebody wonderful. (I could go on and on about the many fantastic characteristics and talents that make up M.J. If I did you would fall in love with him too.) He just couldn't give me what I needed and possibly the same was true for him. There are several more artists and songs that I've been listening to including but not limited to Rachael Yamagata, Alexi Murdoch, Mumford and Sons and Nickel Creek.
Music is an amazing tool in my life, it actually is one of the reasons that I loved M.J. so much because he was so musically gifted. His voice would send me into euphoria. He could play the guitar, piano, and accordion and I am sure other musical instruments that I didn't know about. I have no doubt that any instrument he wanted to play he could've played, and played it well. I miss hearing him. My fondest musical memory of M.J. and I was him playing the guitar and singing and me not knowing the song but improvising ridiculous lyrics just so I could be apart of his world.
One day M.J. and I will be talking again and making a different kind of music together and I can't wait. One thing that is constant in my life is MUSIC. Music is my friend, my lover, my back-bone, my band-aid, my muse, my tears, my smiles, my life.

Thank You Caroline

I left for Pittsburgh on Wednesday, July 7, 2010. I believed that day to be the hardest day of my 28 year old life. That was the day that I cried the ugly cry in front of the man I love M.J Kracken. Saying goodbye to M.J was harder than saying goodbye to my best friend Just B as well as my cat Mr. Knightly (my cat's name is the only name in my blog that will/has not been changed for anonymity reasons). Don't be fooled by my words, saying goodbye to my friends Sur, Nickelback, Deaf til 6 and Broseph was extremely hard and painful, but saying goodbye to M.J broke my heart. I haven't cried that much since I watched the movie Charly with Sur. It was awful, the movie and the crying.

My mom and I drove until we reached Laramie, Wyoming which seemed only right because 99.7% of my friends are gay and Laramie is known for it's love and respect for my homosexual peeps. I thought that I would just pass out on my motel bed from such an emotionally exhaustive day but instead I celebrated being in Laramie by watching 2 episodes of Sex and the City. It was like God was telling me that it was going to be ok in Laramie and Pittsburgh because no matter where I went the memories of my friends, like the reruns of my favorite show, would always be with me. I fell asleep grateful that night.

The next morning my mom woke me up so that I could get some free continental breakfast with her. I was looking forward to a whole lot of nothing with a heaping side of I can't eat that because I'm lactose intolerant; however, I was pleasantly surprised when I eyeballed the waffle maker. An elderly woman was making a waffle so I took my seat at table to wait patiently for my turn. My mother took my actions as her call to action. She became my personal waitress, bringing me my paper plate, plastic utensils and a styrofoam cup filled with "orange juice". My thank yous for my mother's kind actions were dimmed by the elderly man sitting at the table in front of me.
His base voice filling the room with every "THANK YOU CAROLINE" he uttered.

His wife brought him some juice and placed it in his hand and he bellowed, "THANK YOU CAROLINE". The cup fell from his hand splashing to the floor and she quickly said, "it's fine I'll clean it up and get you another one." "THANK YOU CAROLINE" was his response. You might think that this would be humorous, it might have been a little at the beginning, but the entire scene that was in play before me was actually quite touching. This woman was serving her husband, and it wasn't because she felt it was her duty or obligation, it was because she loved him and he loved her. It was the most beautiful, ok the only beautiful view I had in Laramie.

The woman was quick to explain to my mother that her wonderful husband had suffered two strokes during the past year and now he was going blind. She told us how hard it was to take care of him, but how she didn't mind because she loved him and he was a good man and was always good to her. While she was in the midst of telling her story and taking care to cut her husbands food and tell him where it was on the plate my waffle had been brought to me and another one put on the hot iron. By the time her story was over my mom presented this gracious woman with a waffle. That tiny act of service was not lost on this woman who needed that ever so minor break of serving others and herself. I was only able to stare at my mother with amazement at how at the age of 28 she is still able to set such a loving example for me. My mother's heart is so big that it gave me hope that even though my heart was broken, hopefully when it begins to mend again it will be bigger and stronger and even more generous and loving than it was before. I left Laramie with optimism and hope, that is until I read the sign that Omaha was over 500 miles away.