Somebody Good

So I realize that I left M.J. barely one month ago, but we've been in constant communication since I left. That was not the plan, but when do things ever go according to plan. I am grateful that we kept talking because it made the transition from Salt Lake to Pittsburgh so much easier. I will always be grateful to M.J. for that. However, I sent M.J. a letter yesterday stating that we cannot be in this "relationship" limbo anymore, he either needs to commit or else we cannot talk until I am over him. Long story short we are not talking right now.
I love M.J. and I am happy to know that us not talking right now does not mean that we are not friends and that we won't be talking in the future, I just need time and space to move on and work on me. Ironically my friend posted on her Facebook status this morning these words, " I've learned not to fear the passage of time. I trust it's power to teach, to heal, to cleanse and to build me into more than I was before. Time is always on my side." I felt an incredible sense of empowerment when I read that. It was exactly what I needed. I also need my music to help me heal. Music is a very large presence in my life. There are songs that I've been listening to that remind me of M.J. but these are also songs that I listen to, that I feel help me to stand firm in my decision. The following long post is all song titles and lyrics. They are beautiful.

The Professor
Lyrics by: Damien Rice

Well I don't know if I'm wrong cause she's only just gone
Here's another relationship bombed by excellent breed of gamete disease
I'm sure when I'm older I'll know what that means
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Here's to the man with his face in the mud
And an overcast play just taken away from the lover's in love at the center of stage

Loving is fine if you have plenty of time
For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind
Loving is good if your dick's made of wood and the dick left inside only half understood her
What makes her come and what makes her stay
What make the animal run, run away yeah
What makes him stall, what makes him stand and what shakes the elephant now
And what makes a man
I don't know I don't know I don't know
No I don't know you anymore
No, no, no, no...

I don't know if I'm wrong cause she's only just gone
Why the fuck is this day taking so long
I was a lover of time and once she was mine I was a lover indeed, I was covered in weed
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Well closer to God is the one who's in love
And I walk away cause I can
Too many options may kill a man

Loving is fine if it's not in your mind
But I've fucked it up now, too many times
Loving is good if it's not understood
Yeah but I'm the professor and feel that I should know
What makes her come and what makes her stay
What makes the animal run, run away and
What makes him tick apart from his prick and the lonelier side of the jealousy stick
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know, I don't know, I don't' know
No I don't know, I don't' know, I don't' know
Hell I don't' know you anymore
No, no, no, no...

Well I don't know if I'm wrong cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease
I finished it off with some French wine and cheese

La fille danse
Quand elle joue ave moi
Et je pense que je l'aime des fois
Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc
Quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots
Sur la petite dodo

Rat Within The Grain
Lyrics by: Damien Rice

This would not have happened if I hadn't missed my plane
I would've been there when they told you I'm the Rat within the grain
Within this big misunderstanding now and I'm being misunderstood
I'm thinking someone's trying to fuck with me and set fire to my wood

Chorus:

I wouldn't want you to want to be wanted by me I wouldn't want you to worry that you'd be drown within my sea. I only wanted to be wonderful and wonderful true. In truth I only really
wanted to be wanted by you.

It's a stupid situation now where everything goes wrong
If you can't tell if I am lying then you do not belong
In my bed go rest your head upon the bones of bigger man
He can cover you with rock wool and you can close up like a clam

-Chorus-

So go play with your piano and write a mediocre song
About the shell of mediocrity and pretend there's nothing wrong
I never thought you were a chicken shit I never thought of you at all
Until you asked me to be part of it and now you're showing me your wall

-Chorus-

La la la la.....

In truth I only really wanted to be wanted by you

Somebody Good
Lyrics by: The Swell Season

I'm walking away
I knew that I would
I want to be missed by somebody good
Don't wanna come back
Til I think that I should
To somebody good

I came here alone
To dig through the dirt
To find what was lost
To sift through the hurt
I wanna return
Do you think that I could
I want to belong to somebody good


I wanna return
I want to belong to somebody good


My sister Naomi said that I should change it from somebody good to somebody great to remind myself to never settle. Let me be clear I would never, ever consider being in a relationship with M.J. as settling. The gray area that I allowed us to remain in for so long was settling. M.J. was and is somebody wonderful. (I could go on and on about the many fantastic characteristics and talents that make up M.J. If I did you would fall in love with him too.) He just couldn't give me what I needed and possibly the same was true for him. There are several more artists and songs that I've been listening to including but not limited to Rachael Yamagata, Alexi Murdoch, Mumford and Sons and Nickel Creek.
Music is an amazing tool in my life, it actually is one of the reasons that I loved M.J. so much because he was so musically gifted. His voice would send me into euphoria. He could play the guitar, piano, and accordion and I am sure other musical instruments that I didn't know about. I have no doubt that any instrument he wanted to play he could've played, and played it well. I miss hearing him. My fondest musical memory of M.J. and I was him playing the guitar and singing and me not knowing the song but improvising ridiculous lyrics just so I could be apart of his world.
One day M.J. and I will be talking again and making a different kind of music together and I can't wait. One thing that is constant in my life is MUSIC. Music is my friend, my lover, my back-bone, my band-aid, my muse, my tears, my smiles, my life.